How and When to Use "I" Statements
The essence of Appropriate Assertiveness is being able to state your case without arousing the defenses of the other person. The secret of success lies in saying how it is for you rather than what they should or shouldn't do. "The way I see it..." attached to your assertive statement, helps. A skilled "I" statement goes even further.
When you want to say something but don't know what will help, 'I' statement formula is a good step in the right direction. An "I" statement says how it is on my side, how I see it.
You could waste inordinate quantities of brain-power debating how the other person will or won't respond. Don't! You do need to be sure that you haven't used inflaming language, which would be highly likely to cause a negative response i.e. it should be 'clean'. Because you don't know beforehand whether the other person will do what you want or not, the 'cleanest "I" statements are delivered not to force them to fix things, but to state what you need.
Use an "I" statement when you need to let the other person know you are feeling strongly about the issue. Others often underestimate how hurt or angry or put out you are, so it's useful to say exactly what's going on for you - making the situation appear neither better nor worse.
What Your "I" Statement Isn't
Your "I" statement is not about being polite. It's not to do with 'soft' or 'nice', nor should it be rude. It's about being clear.
It's a conversation opener, not the resolution. It's the opener to improving rather than deteriorating relationships.
If you expect it to be the answer and to fix what's not working straight away - you may have an unrealistic expectation.
If you expect the other person to respond as you want them to immediately, you may have an unrealistic expectation.
What you can realistically expect is that an appropriate "I" statement made with good intent:
Is highly unlikely to do any harm
Is a step in the right direction
Is sure to change the current situation in some way
Can/will open up to possibilities you may not yet see
Sometimes the situation may not look any different yet after a clean "I" statement, it often feels different, and that on its own can change things.
Non-defensive Communication
Pointing the finger and using 'you' messages puts blame onto the other person. When we feel someone is blaming us we often become defensive. Once people become defensive or angry, communication usually breaks down.
When to Use:
When we need to confront others about their behavior
When we feel others are not treating us right
When we feel defensive or angry
When others are angry with us
STEP 1. LISTEN
How to listen
Firstly - Do not interrupt
Repeat back to the person what they have just said (try to put it in your own words)
Use 'ahaa etc.' to reinforce that you are listening
Make sure your body language shows that you are listening
Do not give advice (unless asked for)
Example leader sentences:
What I'm hearing is....
Did you say....
So you reckon....
I understand that....
So you say that....
STEP 2. USE "I" AND NOT "YOU'
Example leader sentences:
When I'm....
When I....
I think that I....
I feel that I....
My concern is....
STEP 3. REFER TO THE BEHAVIOR NOT TO THE PERSON
Example leader sentences:
When I'm shouted at I....
When I'm sworn at I....
When I'm pushed around I....
When the towels are left on the floor I....
When I think I'm not being heard I....
When the toys are left on the floor I....
STEP 4. STATE HOW THE BEHAVIOR AFFECTS YOU
Ask yourself ... how does this behavior affect me or make me feel?
Example leader sentences:
I feel unappreciated when....
I'm worried that something will go wrong if....
My concern is that....
I get really anxious when....
I get really scared when....
I feel hurt when....
I feel tired when....
STEP 5 STATE WHAT YOU NEED TO HAPPEN
Example leader sentences:
I need to....
I would like....
What I'd like to see happen is....
It would be nice if....
For children there is a sixth step which includes a consequence. However, it is recommended not to use the sixth step until the second time around. It is also at this time that the type of consequences can be discussed with the child if they are old enough. Other ways of getting children to be responsible for their own behavior is to use the "When .... then .... " statement or a behavioral reward chart.
For example
"When the towels are picked up then you can go and play."
STEP 6. STATE THAT THERE IS A CONSEQUENCE TO THEIR ACTIONS
If............ then............
For example:
If the towels continue to be thrown on the floor there will be no watching Simpson’s that night.
OVERALL EXAMPLE 1
STEP 1 LISTEN & REPEAT
So you reckon I interrupt all the time?
STEP 2 USE "I" NOT "YOU"
OK ... but when I'm ...
STEP 3 BEHAVIOR
shouted at ...
STEP 4 AFFECT OF THE BEHAVIOR
I need to feel as if I've been understood so please don't shout at me and I will try not to interrupt.
OVERALL EXAMPLE 2
STEP 1 LISTEN & REPEAT
So you're saying I never see the good things that you do and you feel unappreciated?
STEP 2 USE "I" NOT "YOU"
OK ... but when I'm ...
STEP 3 BEHAVIOR
sworn at ...
STEP 4 AFFECT OF THE BEHAVIOR
I feel put down and hurt ...
STEP 5 NEEDS
I'd like not to be spoken to in that way ...
(For Children)
STEP 6 CONSEQUENCES
and if I continue to hear you swear in this house then ...
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